Kisses shouldn’t need concentration and I don’t know what it’s like to have someone kissing you back then a split second later their face is frozen and their eyes glaze over. Yep my boy was here for a visit and I drifted off mid kissing session, to be fair I do have a brand new Benedict Cumberbatch poster but I was pretty much in my mind. I dissociate a lot, everyday I’ll come to wondering whether I just did my personal care tasks and other little bits but most of the time my body has carried on while I have drifted off. I have a very clear visual memory and a very poor short term memory, even opening a new window on the laptop can cause a few moments of puzzlement until I remember what I was looking for.
Anyway I want to start writing more on my blog because I have my videos planned in my head but when it comes to film them I find that it gets a bit muddled, rambly and all jiggled up and my artwork which I find easier than writing is not necessarily carrying my own thinking across to other people’s own thinking. I get the feeling that people aren’t sure what to say but I hope you all like the pretty colours anyway.
I’ve been reading a few accounts of people’s experience of Dissociatve Identity Disorder and whilst I know I do have a tendency for obsession and reflecting things back on me I am curious about my own facets. The trouble with my perception of these books is that they contain horrific accounts of experiences that I feel guilty even trying to relate to the tiniest bits of familiarity. I did have a sort of troubled experience growing up, I don’t want to go in to details but it was unpredictable, confusing and very hurtful physically and mentally. I used to have a recurring dream of being in my childhood bedroom with this evil radio that would talk horrible things and wouldn’t switch off even despite it’s plug being yanked from the socket, I eventually managed to lucidly escape from the room. I don’t want people to be hated because things are different now though I still often ask if I’m still liked and I’m still good enough and not hated.
Shameless plug here but when I wrote my ‘novel’ Dainty Laces during NaNoWriMo, my inner voices carried me through and I let them filter through to my hand, it didn’t feel like my compositions and when I tried to be present and focus I felt it was rubbish.
I’m pretty much a big kid, collecting My Little Ponies and teddy bears and fluffy bunny ears (I have quite a few pairs) and I can be hyper and my favourite colour is deep pink because it’s neutral and warm and contains safe emotions. I also love rainbows. I’m never silent until I’m in situations with my extended family (mum is one of eleven) when you need to be loud to be heard. The family politics are ever changing and often a source of temper outbursts from me especially when my mum and my favourite aunty (who is pretty much my second mum) get together to share the gossip. I can’t stand all the ‘I told her this about him’, ‘I told him this about her’ etc
As you can tell by this piece of writing I have trouble being coherent when it’s me trying to explain things. I’m better in verse or just dancing round and when I’m doing all my Scottish accent chatter, I tend to be a big gruff Scottish bloke. I’m often making up accents and having conversations with myself.
It’s okay when I can control everything but I have had some scary moments when I was being torn apart and a part of me left and I felt I was waiting to be a whole person again. I’m not sure whether they were sensory breakdowns or what but the biggest ‘breakdown’ happened at the Freud museum when my vision blurred and I eventually blacked out and woke up vomiting profusely for what seemed like hours, I don’t know where it all came from. That was when I got the most skeletal I’ve been, not through choice, I was not seeing me in the mirror, it took me a week to feel like me again.
I hope to write more about my inner world and I welcome questions and topic suggestions and writing prompts. I’m going to sign off for now because I’m finding it hard to think and Quorn burgers and fries are coming for tea.
Thank you for reading : )