I am expressing more of my love for Doctor Who in another project for the Brooklyn Art Library. This project is about creating poetry and the overall theme is Epics and Understatements http://www.sketchbookproject.com/projects/verseonpaper I shall be sharing my poetry with you as I work on completing this project.
A grain of sand tumbling on the shore
I can’t give you everything
But I can give you more
You fought through voids to find me
But now I must return
This face I put before you so you may never yearn
He can whisper in your ear the words I’m not man enough to say
The pounding of my hearts deafens me this day
I actually went to bed early (about 5mins before someone got fired on The Apprentice) and ironically fell straight to sleep reading about trance states in my brand new book The Wandering Mind: Understanding Dissociation From Daydreams To Disorders. I have decided to do my written posts like this in bullet points because formulating paragraphs coherently causes my mind to block and I forget the point of what I’m writing.
So I woke up just now with anxiety from my dream where I was arguing with mum about wanting to go on a trip with the Top Gear UK lads , she was trying to claim me and dad wanted to do these other things, I think one was going to a wool factory, and I was arguing with her. I’m often hanging around with James, Jeremy and Richard in my dreamworld, they are my comfort and I’m usually trying to get on telly. I was also holding and stroking a badger and dad was concerned that I may have been hurting it but mum reassured him I was being gentle.
Anyway I woke up with the anxiety and also an urge to chat hence this blogpost. So here are my random thoughts I need to pow out of my head before they drift off.
* I find it hard to stay ‘present’ and this is blocking my words at this current moment, I tend to veer off into rambles about past telly shows.
*I have been constantly thinking in Welsh since watching the second episode of The Call Centre, I love Nev’s catchphrase, SWSWSWN. My other aunty also seems to adopt the native accent when holidaying in Wales.
*I am always talking to myself (it’s not really to myself though, it’s always projected out to an invisible person) and I sort of tic/echolalia random noises and sounds and there’s also my deliberate sound making because I enjoy the vibrations of my body. In the outside world I get a lot of selective mutism though but making YouTube videos has really helped with my talking and speaking up. So apart from the random shouts and singing I also have little conversations between two people with different accents, usually smart gentlemen. I also sing and speak nonsense words and scenarios.
*Apparently when sleeping I sound and twitch like a cat. I like this.
*My childhood imaginary friend was a woman called Colleena the Cleaner, she was a cleaner who worked for minimum wage usually in a school or canteen. At college I thought I had been around as a hippy in the 1960s, earning me the nickname Crazy. My recent person in my head is a smart gentleman who owns a Jack Russell dog and sits in a red chair next to his shelves of books. My newest person is a large built Scottish guy with a strawberry blonde beard.
*My thoughts are trying to pull away again right now so shall try to type this fast and get it posted.
*I have had suspicions for a few years of certain neighbours being aliens or spying on me. This is just mainly based on lights in windows though.
*I am currently reading the book version of Submarine which is really good.
*I adore my Kindle 😀 I tend to pick up on topics I like and want more of that type of book, I have nearly a 100 books on it since I got it for Christmas.
I think this having a chat via my blog maybe a good way to calm my anxiety and the words come out a bit more easily than I when I formally plan to write as myself rather than letting my others use the keyboard/pen. I shall try to do more ‘present’ posts.
Thank you so much for reading and enjoying my blog, I’m off now to purchase a proper keyboard for my iPad.
Kisses shouldn’t need concentration and I don’t know what it’s like to have someone kissing you back then a split second later their face is frozen and their eyes glaze over. Yep my boy was here for a visit and I drifted off mid kissing session, to be fair I do have a brand new Benedict Cumberbatch poster but I was pretty much in my mind. I dissociate a lot, everyday I’ll come to wondering whether I just did my personal care tasks and other little bits but most of the time my body has carried on while I have drifted off. I have a very clear visual memory and a very poor short term memory, even opening a new window on the laptop can cause a few moments of puzzlement until I remember what I was looking for.
Anyway I want to start writing more on my blog because I have my videos planned in my head but when it comes to film them I find that it gets a bit muddled, rambly and all jiggled up and my artwork which I find easier than writing is not necessarily carrying my own thinking across to other people’s own thinking. I get the feeling that people aren’t sure what to say but I hope you all like the pretty colours anyway.
I’ve been reading a few accounts of people’s experience of Dissociatve Identity Disorder and whilst I know I do have a tendency for obsession and reflecting things back on me I am curious about my own facets. The trouble with my perception of these books is that they contain horrific accounts of experiences that I feel guilty even trying to relate to the tiniest bits of familiarity. I did have a sort of troubled experience growing up, I don’t want to go in to details but it was unpredictable, confusing and very hurtful physically and mentally. I used to have a recurring dream of being in my childhood bedroom with this evil radio that would talk horrible things and wouldn’t switch off even despite it’s plug being yanked from the socket, I eventually managed to lucidly escape from the room. I don’t want people to be hated because things are different now though I still often ask if I’m still liked and I’m still good enough and not hated.
Shameless plug here but when I wrote my ‘novel’ Dainty Laces during NaNoWriMo, my inner voices carried me through and I let them filter through to my hand, it didn’t feel like my compositions and when I tried to be present and focus I felt it was rubbish.
I’m pretty much a big kid, collecting My Little Ponies and teddy bears and fluffy bunny ears (I have quite a few pairs) and I can be hyper and my favourite colour is deep pink because it’s neutral and warm and contains safe emotions. I also love rainbows. I’m never silent until I’m in situations with my extended family (mum is one of eleven) when you need to be loud to be heard. The family politics are ever changing and often a source of temper outbursts from me especially when my mum and my favourite aunty (who is pretty much my second mum) get together to share the gossip. I can’t stand all the ‘I told her this about him’, ‘I told him this about her’ etc
As you can tell by this piece of writing I have trouble being coherent when it’s me trying to explain things. I’m better in verse or just dancing round and when I’m doing all my Scottish accent chatter, I tend to be a big gruff Scottish bloke. I’m often making up accents and having conversations with myself.
It’s okay when I can control everything but I have had some scary moments when I was being torn apart and a part of me left and I felt I was waiting to be a whole person again. I’m not sure whether they were sensory breakdowns or what but the biggest ‘breakdown’ happened at the Freud museum when my vision blurred and I eventually blacked out and woke up vomiting profusely for what seemed like hours, I don’t know where it all came from. That was when I got the most skeletal I’ve been, not through choice, I was not seeing me in the mirror, it took me a week to feel like me again.
I hope to write more about my inner world and I welcome questions and topic suggestions and writing prompts. I’m going to sign off for now because I’m finding it hard to think and Quorn burgers and fries are coming for tea.
Thank you for reading : )