The House With The Very Low Beams

Here we have a little tale about an obsession I had during my GCSE years at high school, it was rather mistimed as I was mean’t to be heavily involved with completing my Art ideas book but my torch beam was firmly focused on finding and scribbling images of my new found interest. To follow, we have some musings on the couple-buying-a-house genre of television which inspires a charming  idea for my Lego collection.

Just had a squeeze of my new light up Toy Story alien so speaking of aliens, I was rather obsessed with them when the X-Files first started and I also read in a book about the specific time at night when they pick you up for a ride and a probe, so I would often try to be awake in the middle of the night because they might not take me if I’m awake.

Do not watch a gory X-Files episode whilst eating Jam Roly Poly and custard. I can still remember how the taste distorted because of seeing all the jam like ickyness on the telly. Around that time I saw a bit of Interview With A Vampire and became fascinated with the images of pointy toothed Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and so my artwork consisted of aliens and vampires. I was a lot more taken in by conspiracy theories and scary plots and magical things when I was younger. I now understand the plotting and the fiction of things now but I still do emotionally invest in certain fictional programmes.

Gah my tv keeps putting the old picture back on when I try to change channels. Ah now then, we have the good old house buying programme in which only once in a blue moon is a house ever bought. I do much prefer a bit of character in a residence, a series of boxes stuck together is the most boring architectural idea in the world. I actually rather like seventies house designs with the kitschy features. I now have a grand stash of Lego with which to play house programmes with and send Lego couples round tutting over the height of the ceilings and how they can’t manage without an Aga.

First I have to actually sort the Lego into categories of pieces which is a big step up from the childhood Lego tub but does negate the waves of Lego sound as you rummage for the vital piece only to find it stuck in your fingernail after half an hour of swearing and stopping for a brew.

Ooh low beams, now you can’t tell me that there isn’t going to be at least one incidence of cracked skull and chucking of the tea tray out of frustration over ‘why did we buy this bloody house! We only agreed to it not to appear rude on the telly!’ How can a kitchen be installed sympathetically? It’s not like the house has emotions, it should be ‘we’ve fitted this room so it looks allright and dunna look shite’. 

Oh another thing that has foxed me for the past couple of years is how did I not notice the craze for trampolines, I only discovered the extent of it when I saw the big blue and white circles dotted all over Britain on Google Earth. I have a book which is entirely written in questions which I could use to prompt some more of my general ramblings.

They always have a day trip somewhere during house and antique programmes, they just bore me and don’t seem at all relevant. I just want to see couples saying the fireplace is the wrong size and debating how they’ll get the sofa and the baby grand piano in. What I also find amusing is how far away from Tesco the houses are (other supermarkets are available), I can’t see how living in the middle of nowhere is really where people want to live. What did I tell you, they didn’t buy anything. Ooh  a grand afternoon of puddings and antique shopping is before us. The draw of a carved walking cane is hard to resist. Baaaaabaaaaa. Yes a sheep did just appear on screen. I always do the appropriate animal noises, both a compulsion and a pleasure. 


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