The House With The Very Low Beams

Here we have a little tale about an obsession I had during my GCSE years at high school, it was rather mistimed as I was mean’t to be heavily involved with completing my Art ideas book but my torch beam was firmly focused on finding and scribbling images of my new found interest. To follow, we have some musings on the couple-buying-a-house genre of television which inspires a charming  idea for my Lego collection.

Just had a squeeze of my new light up Toy Story alien so speaking of aliens, I was rather obsessed with them when the X-Files first started and I also read in a book about the specific time at night when they pick you up for a ride and a probe, so I would often try to be awake in the middle of the night because they might not take me if I’m awake.

Do not watch a gory X-Files episode whilst eating Jam Roly Poly and custard. I can still remember how the taste distorted because of seeing all the jam like ickyness on the telly. Around that time I saw a bit of Interview With A Vampire and became fascinated with the images of pointy toothed Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt and so my artwork consisted of aliens and vampires. I was a lot more taken in by conspiracy theories and scary plots and magical things when I was younger. I now understand the plotting and the fiction of things now but I still do emotionally invest in certain fictional programmes.

Gah my tv keeps putting the old picture back on when I try to change channels. Ah now then, we have the good old house buying programme in which only once in a blue moon is a house ever bought. I do much prefer a bit of character in a residence, a series of boxes stuck together is the most boring architectural idea in the world. I actually rather like seventies house designs with the kitschy features. I now have a grand stash of Lego with which to play house programmes with and send Lego couples round tutting over the height of the ceilings and how they can’t manage without an Aga.

First I have to actually sort the Lego into categories of pieces which is a big step up from the childhood Lego tub but does negate the waves of Lego sound as you rummage for the vital piece only to find it stuck in your fingernail after half an hour of swearing and stopping for a brew.

Ooh low beams, now you can’t tell me that there isn’t going to be at least one incidence of cracked skull and chucking of the tea tray out of frustration over ‘why did we buy this bloody house! We only agreed to it not to appear rude on the telly!’ How can a kitchen be installed sympathetically? It’s not like the house has emotions, it should be ‘we’ve fitted this room so it looks allright and dunna look shite’. 

Oh another thing that has foxed me for the past couple of years is how did I not notice the craze for trampolines, I only discovered the extent of it when I saw the big blue and white circles dotted all over Britain on Google Earth. I have a book which is entirely written in questions which I could use to prompt some more of my general ramblings.

They always have a day trip somewhere during house and antique programmes, they just bore me and don’t seem at all relevant. I just want to see couples saying the fireplace is the wrong size and debating how they’ll get the sofa and the baby grand piano in. What I also find amusing is how far away from Tesco the houses are (other supermarkets are available), I can’t see how living in the middle of nowhere is really where people want to live. What did I tell you, they didn’t buy anything. Ooh  a grand afternoon of puddings and antique shopping is before us. The draw of a carved walking cane is hard to resist. Baaaaabaaaaa. Yes a sheep did just appear on screen. I always do the appropriate animal noises, both a compulsion and a pleasure. 

Taking A Punt On A Bargain Hunt

I am reading back my NaNoWriMo literary creations and quietly cringing at my evening of desperational outpourings at the conclusion of November. I am cherry picking the moments of more lucid output to showcase my writing ‘talents’. With this piece I grace you with my musings on the daytime Antiques television programme. You can most likely tell that it is the me, me writing it and not him indoors *taps brain*.

Ooh I’ve just missed an antiques show, the one where everything should be out of the attic but is clearly not. I do love bespectacled nerd guys and the ideas that with an unravelling of a tie and a throw of spectacles they become superstuds with an indepth knowledge of Ming dynasties. The voice over guy just mentioned ‘a fetish for carboot sales’ which makes me picture a sordid fantasy of ‘oooh rub that 50p all over my hand, I’ll have that old brolly with holes in and an annual from the 70s, oooh yeah fill me carrier bag’.

A bouncing presenter shouting it’s Bloody Marvellous is rather pornographic for daytime telly isn’t it? Hmm time for looking for more tat to flog for an extra tenner profit. Flash waistcoat! I love these shows as I can shop for free and the tat that I choose doesn’t actually clutter my flat. It does make me want to visit a lot of antiques markets though, I’ve never actually made the effort to though which saves space and money. The fleeces aren’t the most flattering garments but I am assuming they get to take them home so everyone’s a winner!! Flog it on ebay for £50. Ah I do love a nice cuppa, I love very big mugs, it’s a lot more satisfying have a nice amount of tea though it does up my cake intake because I always try to maintain a careful cake/tea ratio. If there is a good amount of tea left over then more cake or chocolate needs to be found, and if cake is more than tea then a mouthful of tea needs to reside in the cup until the consumption of the last crumb.

Now I do love a nice pink tablecloth, they just need to remove those pesky objets dart thingies so I could buy it. Television is full of innuendo, just shut your eyes and you don’t even need to pay extra for the naughty channels. ‘What sort of wood is it?’ ‘never intended to be a soft box’ .

There’s a nice bit o brass on that stall catching my eye. I’d give £2 for it. Ooh bits stuck together isn’t good for the auction room, they’ll be tutting away saying ‘it’s stuck on that, love, I inna buying that’. £88 for a box with a game board on!! You could get a secondhand Xbox for that! Ooh a silver purse but you couldn’t get more than a fiver in that and certainly not your credit card, it’s the wrong shape, the corners are too round. 

This is actually making me want to play antiques game now, just grab something in my flat and scratch my chin and make significant sighs about if it’s brass and then have a dramatic moment of not being able to find the hallmark. That would all go perfectly with my sat nav game on the Xbox, just put on GTA San Andreas or Driv3r and one of you drives and the other reads the map, puts on a stern voice and says where to turn. No one has actually agreed to play it with me yet but I guarantee it’s a raucously fun experience. £59 for a grotesque vase/jug idea is certainly not cheap in my book!!  A letter opener with an head on it, bloody hell £105!! Seriously!?

He’s got a bit of wood! Don’t say that when I have a mouthful of tea! I’m not always this dirty minded, I’ve been influenced by certain persons. They know who they are. The amount of puns on television these days, you’re groaning like you’re having a day long orgasm. Orf, hehe. I feel that everyone else on NaNoWriMo is creating wonderous masterpieces which does sort of make me doubt my abilities. I’m not sure I have the patience and sanity to create a straight forward novel my mind just doesn’t process in a linear fashion.

I have mince pie stickyness on my fingers so when I’ve nommed the yummy goodness I shall wash my hands and be back to typing full bore.  Ooh that’s a pretty tiny little tray thingymajiggy, can stick pound coins on it. Oh wait, you haven’t got any, you just bought a tiny little tray thingymajiggy with them. Ooh a lion doorstop, I do love lions what with being a leo, the best of the lot in the starsign line up.  Nice bit of rock music for the auction room entrance, had to have a little boogie to it. I do love having a good nosey all round the auction room and seeing all the people, a lot of the time I see people and think ‘I know them’, I often do that with people’s faces as a lot of people look familiar despite them being strangers and new to my vision. Also though I do tend to get apprehensive about not recognising people that I should know very well, I keep thinking their faces might have changed.

  Oh does everyone else bid for stuff when they watch auctions on the telly, it’s totally hilarious to pretend to have bought loads of antiques or even houses.  ‘Ooh I don’t mind not winning the programme, I’ve got a lovely new fleece’. Imagine if they forced them to give back the fleeces because of budget cuts, that wouldn’t go down well. Apparently a can can style kick is an appropriate way to conclude the programme nowadays,’ we might do antiques but we’re also good at the disco’.